Voices

Go Away! Can't you see I am trying to write?
No, I don't want to lie down. Or is is lay down. Never can remember. Oh, you don't know which word it is either. Go Away! Get out of my head! I wish I could close my eyes and you would be gone. What will it take to make you disappear? I know............. I am a good person. Iam a good person. I am a good person. I 'm happy! I love myself. God loves me.

No, He does not. Why are you whining about your "feelings". Do you think God cares about your "feelings. " Huh?
You are a bad person, a bad mother, a bad sister, a bad daughter, a bad employee, need I go on? I have so much more I can say. Just listen to my voice. I am the only one who will tell you like it is.

I said, Go Away. I don't want to listen to you anymore. I could be so much more if I didn't have to hear you all the time. What are you doing in my head?

I have always been here, my dear. Since you were very little. I am the one who told you all those things you feel now. That's why your scared of people. And why the world is such a bad place. Why do you feel so inferior. I hate to toot my own horn, but you fell for all of it. I am the one who told you how small and unworthy you were. Do you remember? You were so afraid. You were Miss Perfect. Never did anything wrong. Always obeyed the rules. Look where it got you! I was having so much fun watching you run behind the couch when someone knocked on the door. I nearly fell down laughing. Couldn't you see what I was doing? Oh Little one. Life justed pasted you by. After all, how unworthy can you be?

Get out of my head. I am trying hard to follow Christ. He said He loves me. He died on the cross for me. He loves you too, I suppose. Jesus said follow Him and I will live with Him forever.

How can God love YOU. What have you done with your life? That's right-nothing! Did you write the all-american novel? Have you make a great discovery? Will anyone care if you stepped off this earth? Your kids don't care about you. Do they call you? Do they come to see you? Open up your baby blues. I am your only friend. I'm always here to listen to you. Of course, I have to give you my feedback. I don't want to hear how Christ loves you and how you want to help people in need. Where is that going to get you? Your nothing. Grow up and start looking in the mirror. What do you see?

I don't know anymore. Whenever, I start to think I have some worth, you are right there. When I start to feel excited about a venture, or a bible class, you won't let up on me. You keep telling me to go to bed, not to worry about household chores. You are there in the morning when I am trying to get ready for work. Where did you come from? Just when I think you have moved to another head, you come back, in full force. What did I do?

What did you do? Why, you were born. The other half of you died on that cold hospital bed. That is the half that contained all your hopes and dreams. Your essence is in the ground. You tried to find it, remember? But the marker is gone. All records were burned. The half that lived is empty . Everything you could have been was buried in that small coffin. You still have the white cross that was on the casket. Take a good look. It's over. It's been over. Your spirit left your body. Everything good died that day. All that is left is saddness.

I know. You win. I can't fight you anymore. Just stay in my head, tell me your stories. I'll listen. I know your right. I was cut in half. The good went away. I was left with emptyness and saddness. I will go to bed now. Pull the covers over my head and listen to you tell me a bedtime story. Goodnight voices. I am sure you will be there in the morning.!